One of the most impressive and dangerous nor’easters is currently blanketing not only the Boston area, but all the way down into the Carolinas. I’m tempted to try and find something to do outside, but I’m at a loss right now since it’s just coming down too hard. My mind has been more preoccupied with the impending break than the concerns of the kids, which I’m sure is a mutual emotion. But before this weekend I was overcome with concern for many of the students that I meet, mostly because I’m now beginning to see what brought them to where they are now, and why they act the way they act. I know that I tend to be a forgiving person with them, which I’m working on tweeking, but who can blame them for being so rude and obnoxious when they’ve seen what they’ve seen? I don’t think I’ve ever been so close to violence, AIDs, and abuse than I have now, and still, I don’t consider myself close at all.
Today in school, one of the students told me that I’m too soft. This isn’t the first time this has happened.
I’ve wanted to update this blog a couple of times since the last post, but I just haven’t been able to find the motivation. My energies have been more focused towards internal mullings rather than an interest in putting my feelings into words. Or sharing them.
The first snow fell a few weekends ago here. The weather is finally turning frigid. The snow made everything feel clean and new again, but it quickly melted with rain a few days later. It did remind me of how important it is to go into school every day with a clean slate – probably the most difficult thing to do in a school. Students tend to think that not standing up for yourself entails ignoring a person who is mistreating you. There’s a fine line between self-advocacy and pride. There’s also a fine line between not wanting to confront a problem and being able to make the problem dissipate. I’m learning these distinctions very well this year. I have to say, there’s been a lot more redefinition of my inner workings these past few months. It’s refreshing.
This week is Spirit Week, where all of the kids get to dress up. Tomorrow is Hat Day, followed by 80′s Day, Spirit Day (wear purple and orange), and two other themed days that I don’t remember. Speaking of having no uniforms, I had an opportunity this weekend to see some of the students out of uniform at a school function. Of course I consider each student at my school a person, but the individualism (or lack thereof) in their street attire was a bit jarring nonetheless. It gave them another dimension, one more complex and involved than I previously knew. For some reason, seeing them in their street clothes made me think more about how hard childhood must be for them compared to what mine was. It’s hard enough growing up anyway, and factoring in everything they experienced doesn’t make it any easier. How do you possibly get over trauma or death or morbid poverty? It becomes your definition, who you’ll always be. It’s hard to shake an identity like that, no matter how many people may be pushing you away from it.
